Mirrors
by Treewater
Summary: There isn't a mirror in Kakashi's house. Kakashi-centric angst---implied Kakayama, implied anti-Obikaka


A/N: I was reading angst, and I spewed angst. I really like this piece though. Redundancy in angst really works for me.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

**Mirrors**

There isn't a mirror in Kakashi's house. There used to be, a very long time ago (an obscure amount of time ago that he no longer remembers) but it's broken now, and sometimes the silver shards still litter the floor. He can see the sharp edges with his sharingan as he goes barefoot through his room and steps through them, though nothing prickles his feet because nothing is really there.

There isn't a mirror in Kakashi's house. It's probably why he looks so disheveled all the time, because he showers, runs a towel through his hair, swipes it with a brush, and goes. His lack of a mirror is probably the reason why Naruto insulted him about "his funky haircut" the day they met. It's probably the reason why some people are so afraid of him, because it's just so incredibly odd not to have a mirror in your house.

But Kakashi is afraid of mirrors. He isn't a vampire or anything close (though the people he's killed have called him "monster" before). He isn't ugly and he obviously isn't vain.

It's just that, when Kakashi looks into a mirror, all he sees is something dead. Whenever he looks into his reflection, it's like someone has punched him in the stomach, and all of the breath leaves his body in one fell swoop. Whenever he sees himself, he feels like a carcass is walking beside him, and nobody notices but him.

Mirrors often make him go to the cenotaph to pray. He'll stand there in the sun and speak, or he'll stand in the dark and shake, or he'll crouch in the rain and cry.

He cries in the rain because he sees his reflection on the surface of the wet marble. And then, on his left side, always on his left side, he sees Obito, and he cries some more.

When he's in public, and he sees himself in a mirror, it is all he can do not to break down in screaming sobs. He wants the shards of everything to fall around him so that he can watch his sanity collapse at last. He wants everything to be silent so he can hear himself think, because everything's just so loud that he can't even form a frazzled thought.

He has trouble talking sometimes. Not like he has a frog in his throat, but like there's the sound of splintering rock between his ears, jarring his senses. When he can't talk, he squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head as if to clear it, and the people he's talking to ask him if he's all right.

He always answers yes, even though the answer is really always no.

Only his friends know him so well as to see that he is lying, and only once, Kurenai pursues the issue because she is curious as to why Asuma is trying to shush her.

But Kakashi cannot speak. There is a silence in his head now, a dead silence, save for a whisper that has never left him:

"I will see the future."

And when he tries to say that, nothing comes out but a shaking breath, and Kurenai also becomes silent.

There isn't a mirror in Kakashi's house. When the Sandaime gives Team Seven the Tazuna mission, Kakashi is truly afraid.

That place is a land of mirrors. And after he dismisses his students, Kakashi rushes to the Hokage and pleads for a different mission. It is a quiet pleading, not too desperate and not too apathetic, a Kakashi sort of pleading, but pleading nonetheless, and Iruka comes to him afterwards and asks him what is wrong with the Land of Waves.

Kakashi replies through gritted teeth only that he hates mirrors.

There isn't a mirror in Kakashi's house, and Kakashi does not own a diary. He doesn't own a diary because his memories are far too painful, and any shinobi who owns a diary is a liability to his village for the secrets that he writes. But when he stares at the children he's chosen to guard with his life, all he sees are mirrors and diaries.

Every time Naruto flashes him a grin, every time Sakura asks an eager question, every time Sasuke bites out an insult, Kakashi feels like clawing his way out of his own skin.

He hides his fear with a lazy smile and a chuckle for good measure.

Eventually, his team grows larger as Tenzou and Sai join it. Tenzou is quite possibly the only other living being Kakashi can speak with openly and honestly without fear of judgement or questions. Tenzou isn't a mirror, and Tenzou isn't a diary. He's gone through his own shit, and understands.

And then Asuma dies one day, and Kakashi stands stock still as he hears the news, too shocked to even breathe. Tenzou and Naruto aren't as stricken, but Tenzou notices Kakashi's face contorted with grief and fear and pain, and puts a hand on his shoulder.

Kakashi looks at him, the fear in his eyes never fading.

There isn't a mirror in Kakashi's house, and Kakashi does not own a diary. He does not like being able to read the winds to predict the weather, or being able to feel sickness creeping up on him, or being able to see the geese in the air and know that spring will come soon.

He doesn't like catering to someone who is dead.

There isn't a mirror in Kakashi's house.


End file.
